Thursday, November 17, 2016

All alone

"All  Alone!
whether you like it or not.
Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.




Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Back in the game..

I used to blog all the time,
it was my outlet, and over the past two years I seemed to have given it up.
but I love writing, it helps give me a voice when there is no one to talk to.
So I have decided to start writing again, ill probably have zero followers and no one here to listen, but it doesn't matter because this is for me, its what makes me happy. and Im excited!

SOOO my next post will be a recap I suppose of the last year, where I was inactive, since I turned 20 was  my last post.. and Im now 6 months away from 22 yikes!! that's old!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Birthday Time Once Again! LATE


So, I'm 20,
well almost,
today is my birthday,
but my birth hour is 9 o clock and my birth minute was 21..
so if were getting technical, my mom was hiking around Provo and i was calmly and contently burrowed in the womb, until i decided it was my time to hatch into the wonderful person y'all know today (:
that's a joke, seriously.
but honestly, I'm scared to be 20.. that's old. and i don't want to feel old, ever.
i don't really want to grow up,
or age,
or have responsibilities,
 as immature and selfish as that sounds,
its the truth.
 i WANT to be young and selfish, and feel good and have fun, and not care.
 i want nothing LESS than to grow older.
 its seriously scary.
 I'm glad i have friends though, to make my day the absolute best.
20 years ... yeesh
what an age...
 what have i accomplished?
growth, pain, happiness.
pure joy and Ecstasy, satisfaction, hate, animosity,
forgiveness, love, contentment.
 i love who i am.
 what i have, my blessings and what i bring to this space,
 i can give what no one else can, because i am me, the only me that there ever will be on this earth.
 i hate what i can bring as well, but my energy i love.
 I'm me. and I'm the only me i can be.
raw and imperfect. just Taylor Ashley Seegmiller.
plenty flawed, plenty talented, plenty loved and plenty blessed,
i love what i have, who i am, and more importantly who i desire to be.
i love others.
even those who don't love me back.
but the ones who do love me, I'm so grateful for and i need them.
forever in my heart. lies my gratitude and love, another year of growth lies ahead. challenge, grief, happiness, anxiety, gratitude, crazy adventures,
and too much laughter,
 many more tears,
but mostly,
 life,
experience,
and maybe one day,
 ill be ready to age,
and accept the responsibility that comes with that,
but for now, i can only be me and live for right now.
one more year of me.

birthday unicorn!
considering i meant to post this on August 27 2012, but didn't get around to it until October seventeenth approximately 47 days late, i should say something like, I'm too busy to blog anymore, even though this blog used to be the most important thing to me, i honestly wish i had an excuse to why i never write anymore, because writing is what makes me happy.
 but i don't have a n excuse, my excuse was i just didn't do it. i thought about it yes but never got around to it, and then it has been so long you almost don't know where to start. that's all. so i guess ill start over.
 Pizza Factory Birthday dinner.

its interesting to read this. something i wrote on my birthday and now Ive been 20 years old for 47 days. and i still meant every word of what i previously said, even worse though, i feel as though i have become more of what i wrote about versus gently aging and realizing i am grown and mature, i thought maybe i would start to see who i am. i haven't. i think I'm more confused now. oh well. that's life. and I'm still living. breathing. sometimes barely. sometimes too much, but I'm here. and just trying to figure out what my purpose in this space is supposed to be.
..life..
its all shits and giggles, until someone giggles and shits..

 fruit pie cake
 My Britters!

 koby
Gracie Lou

 roses from Ky Ky
 I'm 20 baby, says the pizza!

 thanks for the best party ever babe!
 

All said and done, im happy !
 

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Diva Debut #3


Im pretty much a smart one all the time (;

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Diva Debut #2

Never trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die.
Lets hope today is interesting.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Diva Debut

             so considering I'm spending the whole entire summer at home, away from my entire social life, I'm feeling extremely, i guess bored would be a good word, also, annoyed, perturbed, and quite impatient as well. therefore, i have given permission to my contemptuous inner diva to manifest itself for the summer, right here on my blog.



Let the disparaging remarks commence:


When I'm feeling down, i like to whistle, it makes the neighbors dog run to the end of its chain and gag itself.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Impossible..


Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I Believe.


I Believe, people are mostly good
i Believe, in gratitude
i Believe, in being optimistic
i Believe, that I'm a "fixer" but some things
i Believe, i cant fix, but
I Believe, that with enough time, anything can be fixed
i Believe, that everyone deserves love.
i Believe, people are still people despite anything
i Believe, that if anyone is going to respect you, you have to respect yourself first
i Believe, that someone Else's gain, is NOT your loss
i Believe, in being as Christ like as i can
i Believe, im not perfect,
i Believe, that you cant let praise or criticism get to you, it becomes a weakness to get caught ,up in either one.
i Believe, in continuing to love your self despite
i Believe, in forgiveness
i Believe, in happiness
i Believe, in laughter
i Believe, in love
i Believe, in success
i Believe, in being strong
i Believe, that after all you can do. HE will do it for you.
i Believe, we are not given more than we can bear
i Believe, in staying true
i Believe, in confidence
i Believe, that perspective changes everything
i Believe, that exercise is the best medicine
i Believe, your weaknesses can become your strengths
i Believe, that crying is necessary
i Believe, i have a wonderful life
i Believe, that god loves me,
i Believe, he loves everyone
i Believe, that Jesus died for me and understands my every thought.
i Believe, she shares my pain and my joy
i Believe, that sadness is good, because it makes the happiness scream louder
i Believe, that darkness exists so we are grateful for the light
i Believe, that i am loved no matter what
i Believe, in living for today, learning from yesterday, and hoping for tomorrow
i Believe, in fighting for all that i believe

I also Believe, that when you type Believe enough it starts to look like its spelled wrong(:

Monday, March 5, 2012

100th post!


---OK, so i have been thinking about this post for a while, its supposed to be something special or something BEING POST 100.. but i really just couldn't decide what it should be about. so this is what i finally came up with. ---

My life, a whole 19 years 6 months and 7 days,
i am living, just as me, I'm breathing, I'm walking, I'm laughing, I'm running, I'm hurting, I'm loving, I'm smiling, I'm crying, I'm learning, I'm growing, but mostly.. I'm living.
my life is incredible, I'm not dying, I'm not crippled, i have all my senses, i have struggles, but everyone does, and in the whole scheme of things, everything is just not that bad when you look at the bigger picture,
in fact everything is pretty incredible.
 life is complicated.. its hard to get,
so I'm trying to understand the things i can.
 I'm accepting the things i cant,
 I'm changing what needs to be changed,
 and lm letting go the things that i have no control over.
 im just trying to be happy, and that is what i want for the whole entire world, is just to feel happiness radiating through their inards, everyone deserves happiness.
i love being me, i love my soul, i love feeling the way i feel, good and bad.
im embracing my flaws and my imperfections, i love my talents and accomplishments. and
even though things can be sticky.. instead of trying to clean the mess up right away.. i sort of want to play in it first!

The things that make me happy Today
~
LAUGHTER
SUNSHINE
FAMILY
DREAMS
KISSES
SMILES
(REAL) HUGS
THAILAND
FRIENDS
ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES
CRYING
JUMPING
DANCING
RAIN
CHURCH
SPORTS BRAS
HERBAL TEA
LONG TALKS
REALIZATION
HOT AIR BALLOONS
COLORS
THE ODYSSEY
SPRING TIME
LIVING YOUNG, WILD AND FREE

loving This Song and This One too.



Feeling life coming at me. full force. I love it!

if anyone has any questions
or suggestions
 for my next and upcoming post
 let me know!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

9 Years Ago, my life changed for ever.. im grateful.





Feb 15 2003
My dad was in a horrible accident that changed mine, my family's and our closest friends lives forever.
My dad was the most amazing heartfelt Christ like man that ever lived. He was not perfect but by acknowledging that, it made him perfect.
Steven Craig Seegmiller,
strong, passionate, giving, loving, tender hearted, tough, hilarious, father, husband, son, brother, uncle, friend, example, a latter day saint, and so much more, i saw him cry more than i saw my mom cry but its just because he was SO strong willed and passionate in what he believed in.
He spent the last 4 years of his life trying to make up to the lord all the stuff he missed out on in his past, when he was not fully converted to the church, but the day came and he was fully converted and chose to live his life in a way that showed it through every action and every thought.
Feb 15 2003, My dad was in a four wheeler accident that left him paralyzed from the neck down, he broke vertebrae's C4 and C5 and for a year and half our lives were utterly different, he fought though, for me, for Madison, for Jordan, and for my incredible Mom,
Mom i don't know how you do it. raising 3 girls completely alone, all teenage hormonal prepubescent stages had to be tough trying to tackle that all by your self but were all turning out pretty OK so good job!! come to think of it... Dad got out just in time? who wants to deal with teenage girls ? not i.
Ilove my mom and all the people that were there for my family during this traumatic but powerful and growing, challenging time in our lives.
even though sometimes it sucks and its not fair, i miss my dad, but i can feel him close to me as i live my life. I'm OK with it, I'm grateful for the challenge of not having him here but its taught me and continues to teach me to be strong. I'm content with my life and not having a father. and most of all I'm content to be a chosen spirit and daughter of my father and my heavenly father.
~


These are my journal entries from February 15 2003, I was 10 years old. it is now February 15 2012 I'm 19 years old and so grateful for the few moments I shared with my journal and friend during that time.



"--February 15 2003

Today my dad was out riding the forwheeler all by himself looking for dogs when his fourwheeler rolled on him and he got stuck under it for five hours not able to move. finally a guy came and got him out and they hellecopptered him out they had to put him to sleep though because he said he heard a pop in his neck so they thought it was broken but before they put him to sleep he asked for his picture to be taken and they did. so now he's alseep i just barely got to see him. he has tubes down his throught and a big string thing around his head to his mouth. they put him paralized so he wouldnt be in pain their just about to load him into the hellecoppter to take him to L.D.S. Hopsital he was in U.V.R.M.C Hospital first. he's loading now, his eyes are taped shut so they dont dry out theyre loading him in now and strapping him down. My mom is in Tears, people say she's still shocked. Tyler & Angie, Charlie & Dian, Toby & Natalie, The Bishop, The Lees, My Grandma Suzy & Grandpa Denny, My Grandma Judy and her sister aunt Sloan, & My uncle Carl are all there at the Hospital my mom is driving to L.D.S hospital to make sure he's alright, tomorrow he's going into sergery. were staying with michelle and scotty Brockbank they were there too and so was July shipp.

--February 16 2003

today we went to church with Arianna and Brelin we got home. My dad had his sergery at 10:00 my mom just called michelle and told her that the sergery went great we dont know if he is paralized yet but i kno he's not i know he is going to be the same o'l cowboy he is i can tell you he's been through worse man he has 100 lives or something but last night was the worst night i kept dreaming that my dad died and i woke up atleast 6 times in the night to go to the bathroom and i usually dont even go once. oh yah and i forgot to tell you that he did break his neck. Today we are all fasting for my dad. Arie, Bini, Me & Maddie. Jordo is the only one not fasting. after im done writing we are going to make a big poster for him and its going to go all around his room. as soon as i know some more information ill right it down. well by Journal.

-- later today my grandpa denny and uncle chris came by we were making the poster they signed it my grandpa said he had already seen my dad my grandpa said that all the tubes and wires were out and off of him and he's breathing by himself. He has a neck cast thing and he'll be out of the hospital in about 1 month he's doing alright. Debbie and her new boyfriend Matt came over and they signed the poster too. i drew a really good horse, boot, hat & horshoe. yep he's the same o'l crazy cowboy he used to be i knew he would be okay. by. Taylor

--February 17 2003

We slept over at Ari and Bini's again for another night. we are video tapping a dance to perform for my Dad. we are going to go visit him right after we tape it and were tapping it right now. i just found out that he cant go to my daddy daughter date its on thursday todays monday so im either not going or tobby is going with me."



 It is written just the way it was in my journal,
 so forgive the spelling, i was only in the 5th grade.

-Love Taylor Seegmiller

under the four wheeler for 5 hours. 
many months in the hospital 
i love my dad with all my heart and im so grateful we will be together forever. also i love all the people whom i have in my life! thank you all for everything you do !

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Oh Mom.


Today was one of those days, actually this week has just been one of those weeks, I'm super stressed but not like i have anything to be really stressed about..
but here lie some of my issues. i cannot stop eating. its nothing bad but its just way too much its stressing me out, i cry about it everyday i know its stupid, eating is just eating right? no its not its so stressful and i just cant stop. I'm so tired, and i take longer than 2 hour naps every single day. its ridiculous, i fall asleep in almost every class and then i come home and sleep some more, i hate it. i cant do anything. as i expressed my pittifulness to my mom,(she always fixes everything) in a moment of tears over the phone this is what our conversation came to.

Mom: sweety, Heavenly Father is knocking on your door, you just have to be the one to choose to answer it.
Me: but I'm too tired to get up...
Mom: .... well you can just try yelling COME IN!! ...

and then the tears were replaced with laughter,
 i love my mom so much i don't know what i did to deserve her but it had to have been something pretty worth while.





i am not
meaning to splurge
 all my whineage,
 just thought it was a
good story !
 i hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

M.I.A


i have been missing in action for basically an entire semester. its just been overwhelming with school and life, and my life gets pretty dramatic, maybe i just see it that way.


But on the flip side! i auditioned for The Odyssey, and after acting like a Lion, Siren, Pig, and Wind Storm... (literally), getting a body evaluation, talk about making kids self conscious.. and then a cold reading i made the show! I'm Penelope! weirdest audition i have ever done.. but i guess I'm a lioness as they said!
i got asked to perform at KCACTF with Bryant, but he has been like acting forever and i feel like everyone going is so experienced and I'm just a dumb little newbie but it will be a good experience! ... hopefully.

also my toilet was clogged thank you roommate (you disgusting animal)... but is no longer.. thank you old man.. for having the most vile job on the planet, so sorry your eyes had to see that.. and though winter never came. its beginning to feel like spring and its warm and that makes me happy! new semester! new start! now if only i could get the boys in my life to work the way i want them too.. why must this be such a complicated task!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

No one should have to feel this way.

No one
 should have to feel this way,
this is why im working toward the proffession i am.
 i want to help people,
everyone needs to just be loved.
i cried right along with this little boy.
make someone  feel better today,
not worse.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

No november posts?

 That's so sad, i didn't realize how long it has been since i have updated.
 i guess life's not currently the most interesting...
 only 6 more days of school that's exciting! 
 then 4  days of finals! thanksgiving was EXCELLENT as was Halloween which i got to spend with my cute cousins and family !

This Thanksgiving I'm very grateful for...

my mom and the love she shows me

my grandmother and the time we spend together

my sisters and the friends were becoming

my country

my body, healthy strong and able

when my stomach tells me I'm full but i still have pie to eat

my talents

my gospel

my testimony

laughter

smiles

endless opportunities

I'm grateful for my life.


Happy December first!!
make this month the most joyful
and give love and blessings
to all who surround you.


Halloween
 do this face chelc... close... 

 my pooh bear trick or treat buddy !

Monday, October 17, 2011

Thailand. " sometimes its entirely appropriate to kill a fly with a sledgehammer"

Sunday June 19th:

-quote " i have mountain dew " - Taylor

we got to the school today and finished refurbishing the play set. then i was helping move the equipment around and i grabbed this this play set piece with Nat and there was a giant metal basketball hoop that i obviously did not see and i nailed my face into it my head ricocheted off, everyone saw and laughed and it was one of those moments where i was biting my tongue trying not to cry.

 Before!                                                       After!

Then i found a frog, and we started work in the garden.. weeding, DE-giant-bugging the place, McKay threw a worm on me, that's right. we dug holes with spoons because there were no shovels and then guess who decides to show up? J'pan he comes barreling back to the garden yelling "wheres Taylor wheres Taylor!!", of course he found a GIANT centipede and so kindly brought it over to freak me out!
me and Shandy, spoons in hand.


our garden crew! doing it the way gardeners do.

Aww J'pan your too kind!

After a long day of digging we crashed in front of the fan and then ventured off to the market..

 -can you say anxiety attack ? the pungent smell is indescribable, fried cockroaches, too many people, pretty sure i developed agoraphobia within 7 seconds of being there. I had to use the bathroom but wouldn't, squatter? no thank you.

Me and Mad in the market place.

McKay came to the rescue, led me to the less crowded area where i bought a delicious bag of mangosteen, and a chocolate crepe that a local woman was so sweet to help me wrap and eat sufficiently, she didn't speak English, i obviously don't speak Thai, but with a lot of pointing, gesturing, and hand motions she managed to get me to lend her my crepe, which she then moved, and adjusted, folded and then tied a plastic bag to the bottom so it didn't spill and gave it back for me to indulge in.

lesson: not everyone is trying to take advantage of you here so breathe !

back to the hotel, took an awesome **** that was long overdue, showered, ate din din, laughed so hard i spewed water everywhere, ate Thai pizza, nice gesture, but they should probably just stick to cooking Thai food.
-Sacrament meeting
in the basement of a transvestite bar,
in sweat pants,
somehow the spirit was still just as strong
and ever present,
no matter where you go,
 or what situation your in,
 the spirit is the same,
and now I'm in bed and I'm pretty sure there is a bug on me.. goodnight,
 PS my body is sore everywhere!



On a Side note:
only in Thailand is it OK to lay on the ground and mimic the dog.




Monday, 20th:

-quote " my mind is bedazzled" -Maddie.

up at 6:00, school by 7:00. I SAW NOON TODAY !!!! she ran and gave me the biggest hug ! i was so excited ! the rotary club of Phang Nga showed up and they were snatching us up left and right to snap pictures.


 The cultural committee, we worked hard today, we... planned the mural... and painted nails... the boys were our number one fans though!


I then assisted Nat in her lesson Phonemics? resulting in the story of the 3 little pigs, me, i was pig 3.

home by 6:00 Tesco for some AMERICAN treats, Twix, Pringles, Chocolate, Coke, junk, junk, OH and MORE JUNK. 
except some of that junk was Thai version of American junk, resulting in sushi  and shrimp flavored chips ... that's not OK.

At dinner me and Nat were giving each other hand massages because they were sore, out of the random Maddie throws her arm around me.. I'm like UH?? she is all " i just got jealous"
I love these kids,
i feel like they have so much less than us,
 and yet they are so much happier than us!
 less is more we always say,
were here to change their lives
 but their changing mine so much more.

 - i literally read this scripture 10
seconds after closing my journal
D&C:56
" blessed are the poor who are pure in heart, for they shall inherit the earth."

Tuesday June 21st:
Breakfast 6:30, bus 6:45, Saw my noon. hauled bricks, painted our mural got mocked by the kids we did our 3 little pig skit for yesterday, great, now they associate me with a freaking pig!! and of course Luke gave them tape to further my harassment!

Ate some lunch had a minuscule freak out with a spider, kicked a dog, knocked over some chairs, spilled some lunch, pulled my self back together, tried to teach the kids how to braid, FAILED, taught guyy in a different way it worked!! and then he was teaching other kids! I'm like a proud mom! [:
Guyy

Taught my lesson! played with Jasow, Nune, Nunkarn, and Katune, and Sonya. somehow my lesson turned into this,



Favorite game = London bridges. had 1000 kids hanging on me, slipped in a mud puddle, played tag, I'm sweating like a dog, sat down, kids started fanning me with leaves and blowing on me, hah.




 Played the spin around game ( i hate it) until I'm sure their arms HAD to be tired cuz mine were about to fall off.
-Gosh i love these kids so much ! Noon practically understands everything in English, she gives me a huge hug every time i see her, they always want to hold my hand.

NOON

I had little James stuck to me all day, its overwhelming sometimes because they all just want to be touching you. SOCCER games!! i scored the only and winning goal for my team !!! tonight POOL PARTY! and playgirl show, presented by Parker, peter and Spencer. ew. PHI PHI islands tomorrow!! (pee pee) [:





Wednesday June 22nd: break from working today!! yay!
Bed, to bus, to boat, in our clothes, soaked to the bone, who said boats go on top of the water? wrong the water goes on top of the boat. but this is the most beautiful place i have ever seen!! the pictures don't do the water or mountains justice! so much water in our mouths and eyes, if i were anywhere but in Thailand i would probably not be too happy, oh my holy.






 Anyways we pull into a cove, and dive out, me and McKay went s'ploring, then i got bit by something. so i had another miniature freak out... OK it wasn't miniature actually it was HUGE. everyone was getting bit so everyone was freaking out, someone stepped on a sea urchin, 2 people and em sliced their feet open on corals, so they made us all come back into the boats. hah. whoops. off to another island

Vay, mad, me
with coconut ice cream.
with ninja moves.

and a monkey.

 we floated and had no biting fish this time, i had to pee, vayla had to pee, so we swam away to pee but then she got scared of sharks, so i got scared of sharks, so we swam back and peed by the whole group... i know its gross, but what they don't know cant hurt them, except we were afraid of vagina fishes so then we had to hold our hands over our ... when we peed so i peed on my own hand... what happens in Thailand stays there, unless its a vagina fish.


Riding back in the boat felt like we were running over whales because it was so bumpy. seriously catching air. after lots of pictures, 10 hours of direct sun, & massive sun burns, we headed back totally pooped. and decided on van #1's saying:

" sometimes its entirely appropriate to kill a fly with a sledgehammer".

a slow quiet boat ride back a good talk with Nat, she always makes me want to better myself. we spotted some wild elephants! its like seeing a jackrabbit in Utah, except different, because their ELEPHANTS!! plus they were in love... a little romance in Thailand.

I'm a little sick of Thai food, me and em are getting really close which i love! i jumped on top of Nat and she was like oh i just love you and gave me a kiss ! i love Nat! i seriously love everyone here this is the best experience ever!!!


Youthlinc Thailand 2011