[Empty Pages..]You.I.me..

Criticized you. now your weak.
Your insignificant when you speak.
I Bully you still today.
But you just wont seem to go away.
As i look back on the past, i was more cruel to you than ever before.
Punishing you for things you didn't even do and much much more.
I scarred & starved you emotionally and physically, mentally and spiritually.
I hated you and yet i still do.
You have betrayed me once again.
How am i supposed to be your friend.
Mixed emotions whirl inside me.
Because i just cant become the person i want to be.
Why is it you struggle so hard to find your self.
I try every day.
But i still feel like someone else.
Why wont you just do what i say.
Because Your me... I'm You and its impossible to walk away.
All you want is acceptance and love.
A friendship that's real and understood.
It ll come to you i promise its true.
I tell you CONSISTENTLY every day.
But is it a lie...
Am i leading ME astray?

[Empty Pages..] CLEANSE

Splashing on every inch of this small forsaken town.
Trickling water.
Pouring down from the endless atmosphere.
Rain.
so insignificant so subtle.
Depressant ... yet so calming. 
I feel as though i am washed clean, when the earth is cleansed too.
The filth, vulgarity, the scum and poverty.
The peace, nurturing, the warmth and serenity the earth brings to us.

So innocent but so cruel.

Smell the rain.

Indescribable.

EARTH it smells like natural EARTH,

Oh how i wish once i was polluted ... destroyed i could rain down upon myself and wash it all away.

The wet glistens... everywhere you look.

The humid moisture that fills the air... fills my lungs.

The chills have come about now... traveling up my spine.

Rain cleanse me...

Cleanse the earth.

-Taylor Seegmiller

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"

[1 of many of my Favorite Quotations]

It rained all day, I love the mood it brings about, It makes me feel calm and collected, like its a brand new start. I love the sound it makes and the smells it gives off.

...I LOVE THE RAIN...

[Empty Pages..] laughter..

Laughter, silence, the soft hum of the eager voices, awake, its late,
laughter, yet again the beautiful sound of peace and joy, true authentic wholeness, love, friendship, laughter, the wind whistles throughout the trees, the leaves rustling amongst each other, laughter, all is quiet, laughter, serenity, peace, innocence, hope, gratuity, hoping to be as innocent and naive as i once was, as they are, Laughter do continue , fulfill my soul..

[i love the innocence and energy a group of girls brings to each other, the love the caring, the naive spirits, laughter in every word that leaves the lips its beautiful.]

:. loving this song, listen to all of it if you get the chance.:

[Empty Pages..] letter to Jesus..

Jesus, please.. tell me who I'm supposed to be,
I'm not understanding who i am,, or what god wants me for me, About you, i hear so many things , why is it some make me fear you & your being,
I know of your love and nurturing spirit, What comforts me is knowing your my brother, & your there to hear it.There to hear my needs and my desires, you bring peace to my life, even when my soul slowly tires.
I NEED you god, I'm falling apart! my life's just beginning yet i don't know where to start, you comfort me in my times of treacherous need, I don't feel worthy of the promises you keep, I try so hard but life just seems to knock me down, It makes me feel weak, &like i have no one around. No one around to pick me up, to say they LOVE me or help get me unstuck. I have messed up time and time again, yet for some reason you haven't failed to continually reach out and grasp my hand. You hold me so tightly, yet your not even mortal, how come i cant seem to find that portal, The portal that will take me instantly to you. Its because i am not deserving of the things that you do. Beliefs of god are so construed some make you fear him & some are crude, some teach you he is harsh and unforgiving, yet some show his merciful spirit and wants us to continue living.
I'm confused now on what to believe, I'm trying to be strong and pushing to see what he has in store for me. Times are hard the end is near, now is when we need understand what we hold so dear.

My god, my lord, my father in heaven,
His voice, its strained, the peace he once had is no longer with him, beads of sweat coming from his skin, his hair matted with dirt, and not one of these was even his sin. His muscles so tense, the blood so dense, Jesus, I'm so very sorry, please, don’t suffer because of me , I didn’t understand then but now I see. I let you down, I caused this suffering, but I know now, ill try again, Ill try to do better I owe it to him,
Please forgive me, for i know I've done wrong, i cry to you nightly, i know Its so far gone, the trust you had in me its diminished you see, so upset how I broke my PROMISE to thee, lord i am so ashamed.. I've poured my heart out to you, though you already knew and understood. I'm alone and feel covered by a large ghastly hood, I'm afraid, so afraid, that when you come to me you'll say, 'you didn't live your life to fullest You let me down, you were foolish, you did NOT show me who i KNOW you can be, you Messed up Taylor and now you see, i cant bring you into my kingdom for i know you don't Deserve it and for that you must go its your burden to work with.'
I need Christ here, i need him here with me,
I'm shouting to you lord, begging please just help me ! i scream i need help, from a friend or Christ, anyone, Please listen and give me advice, i cant be rejected from the kingdom of heaven, its My deepest fear I'm your daughter and i NEED to see you again. I have two fathers waiting for me, one i have been longing for 6 years to see, & the other since the day i came to earth, the morning my kind mother so unselfishly gave birth. I know I'm here to be tested and tried, but what if in this small earth life I've ruined my chances to be by your side. I need your guidance your inspiration, I have to believe I'm in a good situation, i need you lord, make me be like thee. Open my eyes so i can see. i want to see what you need of me, i want to do what you have asked of me.
So i surrender to you now lord and Jesus Christ, make my soul definite and suffice, i will be courageous, adequate and strong i want to be dependable for you, as you have done for me for so long.

[My letter to Jesus, kinda,it wasn't meant to be a poem, it just kinda turned into one, its deep and emotional for me, i didn't know if i should have posted it but its my blog, and so i decided too, its kinda dark, but its just something i felt about a week ago, i don't know if its insightful to anyone but me but it sure made me open my eyes a little.]

[Empty Pages..] You..

[YOU]

Don’t talk to me.. were done, over & through!

you pretend to care all the sudden. No, that's just not you,

Its wrong! You ruined everything, its all your fault! yet you try to pretend everything is all 'chill' and what not. No I'm over you ,What we had ! what we've been through, apparently it just wasn't enough for you..

I don’t think it was really love because you can’t destroy something that tough. I guess You fell for it,, sucks for you...

 ...but don’t feel bad,, I fooled my self too

& YOU

Pick me up when I'm at my lowest,make me feel good. 

& pretend to be the one who 'knows it'.But when i start becoming MY self again , standing on my own two feet,

starting to raise a hand...

you knock me back down to ground once again. You realized was insecure,,

but I've grown, so now I'm not that child anymore,, Your still that way,, small , immature, so you push me hard just to make sure, Ill stay in your power and I'm never secure! You talk me down just so you can feel safe,,

but real friends don’t work that way, Your fat, your ugly, you'll never get anything,

 friendship these days... means nothing to anybody. Behind my back, or too my face, Treating people like that.. you’re the disgrace.
Actually..in case you forgot.

That's NOT what true friends are all about.

They stand behind you, have your back, lift you up,

& support your values,, the way that you act..

So take off the mask.. all of you ! quick being fake! why cant we all just be honest & get  a clue?... Because that... right there... is what makes a person true,, its YOUR character ,, what you stand for, and that’s exactly whatI'M going to do.

[Empty Pages..]little girl..

        ~Little Girl~

Strong and Empowered she cries to her self,

if your so legit, why do you feel so left out..

people all treat you the EXACT same.

put you down and make you feel ashamed,

ashamed of who you truly are, so ill tell you this..

please little girl protect your heart...

you know who you are,

what you need

what you stand for

ill say this to you now.. don't let others ruin you anymore,

 go with you, me, who i am  & believe it with all
your
 heart..

it'll open the door to a new and fresh start,

YOU are incredibly amazing

and everyone knows it, so take it run free, and don't look back for you  may show it.

she may show the people how incredible she really is.

they might find out what she is capable of

and everyone else is inferior when it comes right down to it,

they would be jealous,

for they know they can never measure up,

to the wonderful girl

the one

you

i

she,

has become.

{I wrote this may 5th 2010 i was crying and hurt, for some nerdy reason its inspiring to me to write poetry to express how I'm feeling, tell me what you think or your insight on it.}

[Empty Pages..] NeRvEs...

What are

[nerves] exactly?

why is it i get so [nervous] around people i look up too..

Im not a [nervous] or shy person,

I guess if i really respect someone

 & want to be like them they make me [ nervous]..

what makes us that way?

[nerves]

 I dont understand,,

[Empty Pages..] Taylor Ashley.

I wrote a journal kind of like a book,, of me,, and what i think about ,, some of the stuff that goes on in my head. The way i feel about certain things or even certain people, i dont know, this stuff just comes to my mind. so anything with the title, [Empty Pages..] is something from that journal, that im posting on here.. hope you like it.