Birthday Time Once Again! LATE

So, I'm 20,

well almost,

today is my birthday,

but my birth hour is 9 o clock and my birth minute was 21..

so if were getting technical, my mom was hiking around Provo and i was calmly and contently burrowed in the womb, until i decided it was my time to hatch into the wonderful person y'all know today (:
that's a joke, seriously.

but honestly, I'm scared to be 20.. that's old. and i don't want to feel old, ever.

i don't really want to grow up,

or age,

or have responsibilities,

 as immature and selfish as that sounds,

its the truth.

 i WANT to be young and selfish, and feel good and have fun, and not care.

 i want nothing LESS than to grow older.

 its seriously scary.

 I'm glad i have friends though, to make my day the absolute best.
20 years ... yeesh
what an age...
 what have i accomplished?
growth, pain, happiness.
pure joy and Ecstasy, satisfaction, hate, animosity,
forgiveness, love, contentment.
 i love who i am.
 what i have, my blessings and what i bring to this space,
 i can give what no one else can, because i am me, the only me that there ever will be on this earth.
 i hate what i can bring as well, but my energy i love.
 I'm me. and I'm the only me i can be.
raw and imperfect. just Taylor Ashley Seegmiller.
plenty flawed, plenty talented, plenty loved and plenty blessed,
i love what i have, who i am, and more importantly who i desire to be.
i love others.
even those who don't love me back.
but the ones who do love me, I'm so grateful for and i need them.
forever in my heart. lies my gratitude and love, another year of growth lies ahead. challenge, grief, happiness, anxiety, gratitude, crazy adventures,
and too much laughter,
 many more tears,
but mostly,
 life,
experience,
and maybe one day,
 ill be ready to age,
and accept the responsibility that comes with that,
but for now, i can only be me and live for right now.
one more year of me.

birthday unicorn!
considering i meant to post this on August 27 2012, but didn't get around to it until October seventeenth approximately 47 days late, i should say something like, I'm too busy to blog anymore, even though this blog used to be the most important thing to me, i honestly wish i had an excuse to why i never write anymore, because writing is what makes me happy.
 but i don't have a n excuse, my excuse was i just didn't do it. i thought about it yes but never got around to it, and then it has been so long you almost don't know where to start. that's all. so i guess ill start over.

 Pizza Factory Birthday dinner.

its interesting to read this. something i wrote on my birthday and now Ive been 20 years old for 47 days. and i still meant every word of what i previously said, even worse though, i feel as though i have become more of what i wrote about versus gently aging and realizing i am grown and mature, i thought maybe i would start to see who i am. i haven't. i think I'm more confused now. oh well. that's life. and I'm still living. breathing. sometimes barely. sometimes too much, but I'm here. and just trying to figure out what my purpose in this space is supposed to be.
..life..
its all shits and giggles, until someone giggles and shits..

 fruit pie cake

 My Britters!

 koby

Gracie Lou

 roses from Ky Ky

 I'm 20 baby, says the pizza!

 thanks for the best party ever babe!

 

All said and done, im happy !

 

M.I.A

i have been missing in action for basically an entire semester. its just been overwhelming with school and life, and my life gets pretty dramatic, maybe i just see it that way.


But on the flip side! i auditioned for The Odyssey, and after acting like a Lion, Siren, Pig, and Wind Storm... (literally), getting a body evaluation, talk about making kids self conscious.. and then a cold reading i made the show! I'm Penelope! weirdest audition i have ever done.. but i guess I'm a lioness as they said!
i got asked to perform at KCACTF with Bryant, but he has been like acting forever and i feel like everyone going is so experienced and I'm just a dumb little newbie but it will be a good experience! ... hopefully.

also my toilet was clogged thank you roommate (you disgusting animal)... but is no longer.. thank you old man.. for having the most vile job on the planet, so sorry your eyes had to see that.. and though winter never came. its beginning to feel like spring and its warm and that makes me happy! new semester! new start! now if only i could get the boys in my life to work the way i want them too.. why must this be such a complicated task!

Taylor's Rules, or Guidelines, or Whatever.

1. Only 1 treat a week. ONE.
2. No eating after 7:00.
3. Only weigh once a week.
4. No more talk or obsessing about boys.
5. No more swearing.
6. Positive affirmations must be said every morning.
7. Scriptures and prayers every morning and night.
8. No more back biting, judging, or talking bad.
9. Aim for a healthy goal weight not an impossible one.
10. Set a new goal every week.
11. Don’t obsess or over think everything.
12. 1 hour of cardio 5 days a week, no exceptions.
13. Facebook only ONCE a day. Final.
14. spend tons of time in St George.
(if i think of anymore ill add them.)

these are the rules I'm living by starting this summer, because i don't want to obsess over my weight all summer, nor do i want to gain weight this summer, nor do i want to be stressed this summer, nor do i want to spend the whole summer on face book, and i DONT want anxiety this summer, and i feel like I'm 3 days into summer and my anxiety is already through the roof! holy. i need to calm down breathe and believe everything will work out the way that its supposed to.

RECAP:
finals :
        Music-A
        Theatre-B
        Nutrition- B+
        Psychology-A-
        English-A-
Thursday me and Grace got our hair done, and we decided, were divas, because we deserve to be, and clarification to anyone who wants to know, there is a huge difference between Diva and Bitch.

Friday, me and My roomie Lexie, got glitter toes, got our eye brows waxed,

 I went to graduation with Hannah, and got really sad, because once again, i had to say bye to people, its not fair i just met all these amazing people and now i have to say bye to them, A) cuz I'm going home, and B) because their old and graduating! and then i packed up and drove home, it was the fastest 4 hours from st George to home i have driven, maybe its because i was thinking so much.. and then yesterday, Saturday i spent the entire day literally from 7:30 A.M to 8:23 P.M at Lagoon Dance Competition, i love dance i have competed forever, but now that I'm not dancing, nor competing being there all day doing nothing, sucked, bad. and i had really bad anxiety the whole time ugh.

On a good note: I stopped biting my nails! and they are so pretty!!

Gahh!! &Trojan Women

[the cast]

SO much to write about!

 OK so our show Trojan Women opened and then closed, [sad day]

 i met the most amazing people in the whole world and had the best time i have had this whole year just with the show.

the pictures explain themselves,

ahahah.

~

 I made everyone take a bunch of pictures,

because I'm a freak hahah this one is

 1st grade school pictures [:

back left: Jacob, GRACE, ME, ALEX, Tamsy.

front left: Keely and Bill.

[The 7 Dwarfs ]

 Totally bored

[circumstance] you pooped your pants on a date..

 Shakespeare

 And of course we had to do a jump pic [:

~

Finals are THIS week kill me.

oh and i have to stop saying "I'm gonna shoot myself" because i guess I'm offending people who know people who have killed themselves.. oops.

 I feel bad,

except not really because i don't mean it when i say it..

 i mean i do feel bad that they know people who died,, but not that I'm being serious, OK never mind.

~

On another note

My ["best friend"] is an A-hole, [Drake] enough said.

but i have new best friends so it doesn't matter! [:

~

[Me and Hannah, "sun bag"]

Helen and Andromache

 [Me and Zoe]

she helped me with literally EVERYTHING,

 including taping my boobs into that dress lol

[Me and Alex, i love him so much [:! ]

We went to Vegas yesterday, my roommates, and they drug me on the Big shot! on top of the freaking stratosphere, i almost died and it was the most horribly scary thing in the whole world!!!

 but I'm not dead [: and we laugh alot, and they call me a creep which i do deserve most the time, but sometimes it gets old.

[Me and Amy, i love Paris!]

Wish me luck on finals,

I have already Aced two!

So thats a good start,

Knock on wood [:

Favortie song for today [:

take a chance? switch apartments.

New years resolutions!

we all make them, in hopes of changing something for the better to make it a great new year.

2011

by about this time though most people,

(I being one of them)

have forgotten all about their resolution,

but with that in mind, I'm am still trying to make a notion to

keep my resolution going strong!

Taylor's resolutions 2011

-accept my self, but improve my self.

-take chances

-strive towards my biggest dream.

With these in mind, i have been struggling to deal with my roommates. I love them, most of the time, but i just cant deal with all the negative words, and someone is always putting someone else down.

and that someone is usually me, I'm not sure why but i just decided enough, I'm not angry i just need a change, 

I'm trying to love  and accept my self,

and its hard when someone else is always pushing you down.

so I'm moving out!

I'm "taking chances" ,

switching up people,

 leaving my comfort zone,

and making new friends,

 along with, wait for it... sharing a bedroom!

 ahh it will be a good learning experience though! so I'm am moving out on Friday

wish me luck!

Overwhelmed!

I have been seriously lacking blogging in my life, and it kind of upsets me since this probably one of the only non frustrating things in my life, it brings me a little solitude. especially when I'm so overwhelmed..

Anyways, here's how the last week has been;

-chiro appointment
-dentist appointment, (way to to much numbing in my shot, makes my whole face up to my eyebrow numb, date tonight, cant talk normal, i cant even smile, shoot me.)
-chiro again
-Youthlinc party
-one and half freaking hours laying in a claustrophobic MRI tube. (numb butt, half asleep)
-no new car yet, (that means being stranded at school again).
-Chiro again
-moving back home= depressed
-starting school = depressed & pissed and anxious and excited.. (is it possible for all those to go together??)
-procrastinate homework
-way to much homework,
-new room mate, = self conscious about using my own bathroom.(do you really think people stand out side the door and listen to us .. go.. ' if you know what i mean ' the way we think they do..?)
-new classes = new schedule = new people + new buildings = anxiety.
      -aerobics
      -yoga
      -acting 2
      -english 1010
      -nutrition 1020
      -voice
      -psychology 3700
      -and lets not forget institute
-no job = no money
-planning my future, if this isn't stressful enough, i don't want to grow up.
-will i succeed will i fail?
-all this stress = new zits, pimples,(is there a word for those abnoxious red things that doesnt sound disgusting??) acne...

So what do i do to relieve  my stress??

 re-arrange my room of course!

oh ya that sounds so logical and i bet it solves a lot of problems right?

no..

 I normally would go work out to blow off a little steam, but in case we forgot! i have no car which means no gym.. which means.. I'm going to get fat, sitting here for a week.. procrastinating homework, dreading life.

 But... aside from my whining

today all the room mates woke up.

every one sounded just like i do now.

irritated

and someone wrote all over the fridge school sucks..

and everyone agreed.

 but i hate being home because well everyone is miserable.

and its only our second day back..

so i decided to go back to my roots and remember,

 "what you think about you bring about" 

 "the gratitude you put out will always come back to you "

&

 "the more positive you are, the higher frequency you vibrate at which will attract other high frequency vibrations to you" so i said...

" enough with everyone saying schools sucks... because it will if you keep saying it!"

then i decided, my life is under control, and remembered this awesome quote from Gordon B Hinkley.

" Things will work out, keep trying, be believing, be happy, don't get discouraged, things will work out."

i love it. and its TRUE!

so be rid of you negative Nellie's and welcome in... positive Patties...?

if you have a better name let me know because that one is really... well i don't have to say it..

Week [ends]

1st week [end] at college packing and unpacking

2nd week [end] at college cliff jumping !

3rd week [end] at college go camping and home.

a few things i have come to realize.

1.) I'm obviously a freshman because i still call life and school "college".

2.) My sister is the most beautiful, kindred spirit, she is brilliant and remarkable, i look up to her like she would not believe, and she has one of the most amazing spirits anyone could ever have she is so incredibly strong and talented. and i love her with all my heart Maddie is and will always be my best friend. 

3.) Don't ride a motorcycle without proper gear, i would have been dead if it wasn't for my helmet which i put up such a fight to wear. None the less i ended up running through, not past not into but THROUGH a tree & i have wonderful battle wounds to show for it.

4.) Camping isn't "camping" unless you have a "dirtstache" & "dirtunobrow" to show for it.

5.) The cemetery is now a place of solitude, not fear, there i had a long talk with my dad a good cry and a nap afterwards.

[sister]

cliff diving

dirt staches

     The [end] of this week came swiftly but... i realized alot of things i didn't before, and i got to the point where i miss my family ALOT, but i also realized I'm growing up and i am learning new things everyday that are helping me in the process.

have a wonderful week...

Birthday[:

Its my birthday yes i am NOW LEGAL! for what we might ask? well, the mind will wander of course it will but what i meant was... i can sign my own waivers at college, ya that's what i meant! [;

 ha 18 i know I'm a young'in or so i have heard ALL day !

 but young or not ! today was fabulous!

I woke up too :

My two awesome roommates covering our tiny apartment in streamers ! (including the toilet)
A envelope for "morning" from my mommy[:
28 text messages in the hour of 7 a.m and 3 voice mails.
More calls throughout the whole day !
Gaigey singing happy birthday to me
Balloons at work
Roses from Suzie,
Candies from Adaiza
A "cupcake" but really muffin from the awesome work buddy Kim
(who plays volley ball ! maybe shell teach me ! [:)
Class
More class,
Brownies from Syd
Another Envelope from mommy at "4"
Which led me on a scavenger hunt which left me with : movie tickets, spoon me coupons, massage envy pass(YES!!!) and a printer, and food we all love food right?
Then to my aunts who took me to Lunch/ Dinner cuz I'm a "poor college student"
Then a most awesome phone call with my gorgeous sister and best friend Maddie,

And to finish off the night the FOAM DANCE which i have no pictures of because well.. we were covered in foam thus i opted not to bring my camera ! but use your imagination! it was AWESOME !

Shayla & Shelby my awesome room mates having a splendid hot sweaty in the st George weather time!

those snow cones were about as sick as they look!

my roomies are great!

oh yes and my beautiful toilet.

 AND TOMORROW WERE GOING CLIFF DIVING! GOOD NIGHT FRIENDS[:

Transitioning..

Pre school, coloring
Kinder garten, learn the alphabet,
Elementary, Social skills, & Fundamentals,
Junior High, New social skills, pick a mask, Start on the path to discovery.
High School, Wear your mask, get lead off your path to discovery, learn adult social skills.
College, Starve, learn basic Essential needs, get back on the path to discovery.

As i embark on this new adventure, New city, new room, roommates, buying my own food and toilet paper, say bye to mom, by the way happy late birthday! I look out my window, this is not home.. empty walls downsized bed, cant go to the bathroom with the fear of someone listening to me. New classes, new job.
I'm an adult now, almost.. 18 coming up fast, Time to love and live and see the world how it is, all on my own. messing up and fixing the problem alone, enjoying others company and being my own person, welcome college, new freshman at the door, time to start this wonderful adventure and so much more!
                                                                My Old Room

my comfy BIG bed

my sexy abercrombie poster and my huge Armour

Paris i love you

Big closet with ALL my clothes

my picture wall

 Old room, much more comfortable then.....
                                                     My New Room

My little bed and bare walls

boring stuff and a fan cuz its killer hot!

my tiny closet with less than half of my clothes

Pack, Unpack, say hi, Get settled, Say bye, then Cry a little. But after all is said and done this i have feeling is going to be really fun !

Church tomorrow new ward, also means new boys woohoo [: have a wonderful night!