[Empty Pages..]You.I.me..

Criticized you. now your weak.
Your insignificant when you speak.
I Bully you still today.
But you just wont seem to go away.
As i look back on the past, i was more cruel to you than ever before.
Punishing you for things you didn't even do and much much more.
I scarred & starved you emotionally and physically, mentally and spiritually.
I hated you and yet i still do.
You have betrayed me once again.
How am i supposed to be your friend.
Mixed emotions whirl inside me.
Because i just cant become the person i want to be.
Why is it you struggle so hard to find your self.
I try every day.
But i still feel like someone else.
Why wont you just do what i say.
Because Your me... I'm You and its impossible to walk away.
All you want is acceptance and love.
A friendship that's real and understood.
It ll come to you i promise its true.
I tell you CONSISTENTLY every day.
But is it a lie...
Am i leading ME astray?

Birthday[:

Its my birthday yes i am NOW LEGAL! for what we might ask? well, the mind will wander of course it will but what i meant was... i can sign my own waivers at college, ya that's what i meant! [;

 ha 18 i know I'm a young'in or so i have heard ALL day !

 but young or not ! today was fabulous!

I woke up too :

My two awesome roommates covering our tiny apartment in streamers ! (including the toilet)
A envelope for "morning" from my mommy[:
28 text messages in the hour of 7 a.m and 3 voice mails.
More calls throughout the whole day !
Gaigey singing happy birthday to me
Balloons at work
Roses from Suzie,
Candies from Adaiza
A "cupcake" but really muffin from the awesome work buddy Kim
(who plays volley ball ! maybe shell teach me ! [:)
Class
More class,
Brownies from Syd
Another Envelope from mommy at "4"
Which led me on a scavenger hunt which left me with : movie tickets, spoon me coupons, massage envy pass(YES!!!) and a printer, and food we all love food right?
Then to my aunts who took me to Lunch/ Dinner cuz I'm a "poor college student"
Then a most awesome phone call with my gorgeous sister and best friend Maddie,

And to finish off the night the FOAM DANCE which i have no pictures of because well.. we were covered in foam thus i opted not to bring my camera ! but use your imagination! it was AWESOME !

Shayla & Shelby my awesome room mates having a splendid hot sweaty in the st George weather time!

those snow cones were about as sick as they look!

my roomies are great!

oh yes and my beautiful toilet.

 AND TOMORROW WERE GOING CLIFF DIVING! GOOD NIGHT FRIENDS[:

Transitioning..

Pre school, coloring
Kinder garten, learn the alphabet,
Elementary, Social skills, & Fundamentals,
Junior High, New social skills, pick a mask, Start on the path to discovery.
High School, Wear your mask, get lead off your path to discovery, learn adult social skills.
College, Starve, learn basic Essential needs, get back on the path to discovery.

As i embark on this new adventure, New city, new room, roommates, buying my own food and toilet paper, say bye to mom, by the way happy late birthday! I look out my window, this is not home.. empty walls downsized bed, cant go to the bathroom with the fear of someone listening to me. New classes, new job.
I'm an adult now, almost.. 18 coming up fast, Time to love and live and see the world how it is, all on my own. messing up and fixing the problem alone, enjoying others company and being my own person, welcome college, new freshman at the door, time to start this wonderful adventure and so much more!
                                                                My Old Room

my comfy BIG bed

my sexy abercrombie poster and my huge Armour

Paris i love you

Big closet with ALL my clothes

my picture wall

 Old room, much more comfortable then.....
                                                     My New Room

My little bed and bare walls

boring stuff and a fan cuz its killer hot!

my tiny closet with less than half of my clothes

Pack, Unpack, say hi, Get settled, Say bye, then Cry a little. But after all is said and done this i have feeling is going to be really fun !

Church tomorrow new ward, also means new boys woohoo [: have a wonderful night!

Angels & Airplanes?

No.. shooting stars!  

3 kids, 11 pm. full of energy, nothing to do, so me, & my clever mind, suggested we lay down in the middle of the street ..

we did.. 

As we lay laughing and talking and laughing some more, we witnessed 8 yes eight, shooting stars.

it was incredible, i found my self wishing the same 4 things on every single one, does that mean they absolutely have to come true ?

i hope..

I guess it lays in the hands of god, after all he is the creator 

he will decide

if what i wish will become.

--------------------------------------------------------------- 

"god really does send angels"

drove out to my cousins recently upon arriving, a little old neighbor came over frantic and asked if we had seen a little dog, we hadn't, so she rushed away, my cousin offered to help her look.

it was hot, i was tired, the last thing i wanted to do was look for a dog, but my conscience got the best of me.

So with that i jumped on the beach cruiser and set off down the road.

not thirty seconds into my bike ride i see a tiny chiuaua running across the road headed for the highway,

so i jump off the bike to grab the tiny dog, walk around the corner, dog in hand, saw the woman and said is this the dog ? she ran to me bawling and hugging me exclaiming  

"god really does send angels"

She told me how i just answered her prayer, and then she just stopped and started crying so i put my arm around her and hugged her. 

On a side note:  

The love that poured from stranger to stranger, made me feel so good, though it was just a tiny dog, I'm grateful for the inspiration i had to look for little Elliot and I'm glad i had the drive to follow it.

Welcome home Elliot! 

She told me i deserved an extra banana split tonight! woohoo.

just goes to show how the little promptings from the spirit, really mean something.

 have a wonderful sunday night [:

10 before im 30

1. Go inside every LDS temple across the world all 152 of them

2. Star in a movie

3. Travel at least 80 percent of the world

4. Live in a foreign country for a year, buy a house in europe and one in the U.S

5. Dance on a cruise ship

6. Date someone from another country

7. Have hair so long i sit on it

8. Stay in the under water hotel

9. Meditate in india, gain 20 pounds in italy, & lose 20 pounds from biking around Bali

10.Get a college degree

...Have a Beautiful Monday...

Concluding Snail

St George this week, i have come to realize, [first] I LOVE GLEE. [second] i am going curly. [third] I'm actually really going to be a freshman in college and have no idea what to expect, [fourth] its going to be killer hot and lastly i have the most wonderful family.

In conclusion,

I sat out side for a hour today relaxing after a crazy week with A & R, and watched these little guys forever, they are disgusting, gross and my cousins used to put them on me because i would cry, 

 and they scared me...

 but as i sat and watched them,

they are kind of intriguing.

  

    

ya i actually do take pictures of snails...

hello.letsplay.iloveyou.goodbye

let me know what concluded your week.

[Empty Pages..] CLEANSE

Splashing on every inch of this small forsaken town.
Trickling water.
Pouring down from the endless atmosphere.
Rain.
so insignificant so subtle.
Depressant ... yet so calming. 
I feel as though i am washed clean, when the earth is cleansed too.
The filth, vulgarity, the scum and poverty.
The peace, nurturing, the warmth and serenity the earth brings to us.

So innocent but so cruel.

Smell the rain.

Indescribable.

EARTH it smells like natural EARTH,

Oh how i wish once i was polluted ... destroyed i could rain down upon myself and wash it all away.

The wet glistens... everywhere you look.

The humid moisture that fills the air... fills my lungs.

The chills have come about now... traveling up my spine.

Rain cleanse me...

Cleanse the earth.

-Taylor Seegmiller

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"

[1 of many of my Favorite Quotations]

It rained all day, I love the mood it brings about, It makes me feel calm and collected, like its a brand new start. I love the sound it makes and the smells it gives off.

...I LOVE THE RAIN...

Daddy"O"

Happy Birthday daddy-o

[don't worry we will still always say the flags and parades were for your birthday]

~

when i was 2 all words ended with "o" thus = "daddyo"
 you and mom made me who i am today, i can say I'm proud of that, you made me strong and independent, taught me to live with a positive outlook on life, taught me god gives trials to those he loves and showed me how to solve all my problems. I know your there on the other side watching over me,
when i was 1 you forgot to buckle me in my high chair. but ill give you some credit, i think you were trying..

when i was 2 you bought me that Simba, it never left my side.

once i turned 3 i understood that  

you always knew how to make me laugh and to know i was loved,

even if it meant putting a beer box on my head... 

or by taking us to Disney land twice a year. and spinning us so fast on the teacups we couldn't lift our heads off the sides

 you took me fishing and made me spend the weekend in my underwear!

further more explained here.

 then around the age of 7 you had me shoot this dear. i cried and vowed never to shoot an animal again.

 

which brought about my attitude towards these ducks..

i also think it was kind of freezing!

 

thanks for making me love and embrace my curls!

at a young age, you would take my hair out of its pig tails and fluff it up real big then chase me down the isles of blockbuster,

you taught me to ride horses then bought me my own, you gave me everything a little girl could ever ask for. you loved me unconditionally, and cried with me when i was sad,

then once i was ten and you could no longer move, you would tell me to come sit on your lap and i would cry and you would still comfort me,

thank you dad for helping me to grow everyday.

~

Dear Dad,

you left us, i know its better this way, your not hurting anymore, & i know its less stress on all of us. but at the same time.. i need you. How can 3 little girls grow up without a dad? sometimes i felt like you were the ONLY one who understood me. Your missing so much & i wish you were here to see all that's happening. i still cry sometimes, but i know that your still here.. i just cant see you. its hard to believe in heaven, but i know i have too or else life is just too scary. i wish you were here to give me advice, and to listen when i needed someone especially when i was dealing with drake. i still do need your help.

what happens when I'm married dad? who's supposed to give me away? whats going to happen with my daddy daughter dance? who do i go to when me and mom fight? sometimes i feel like you got out easy but i know you didn't. I'm doing OK, I'm surviving and me and Maddie are really close, jordi is so big now and actually seems like a real person. and I'm starting college this year, that officially makes you really old! i think about you always , i love you and i forgive you.

-Tay
{wrote this is psychology last year}
~
one day we went camping,
 my hair was down to my butt in length and done up in french braids,
 i somehow got my hair stuck in the tent zipper,
 my dad, thinking like a man just chopped off that chunk of hair right off the top of my head,
well then it looked stupid hanging out of my braid, plus he didn't want my mother to know
 so what does he do ?
 he cuts that chunk of hair all the way down to my scalp,
 thinking it wont show,
he forgot i was girl, and it was going to have to grow back.
all fourth grade that piece of hair spent its days under a giant glop of gel !
 Love you dad.
happy birthday[:

Truth ...

In a world of disorder, disaster and fraud. Sometimes only beauty can be trusted. only artistic excellence is INCORRUPTIBLE . Pleasure cannot be bargained down and sometimes the meal is the only currency that is real. To devote yourself to the creation and enjoyment of beauty. Then can be a serious business not always necessarily a means of escaping reality, but sometimes a means of holding onto the real when everything else is flaking away into rhetoric plot.

-Eat Pray Love-

To lose Balance sometimes for Love.. Is part of living a Balanced life.

August 13.. Eat Pray Love come out !Im so excited !

its also Friday the 13th

Freaked ? nah

Last saturday i went with drake to artctic circle to get ice cream. The girl at the window was all " its free Fry day [friday] how many do you want and so we were like uh two, i was thinking wow what an idiot its saturday but heck we get free fries cuz she thinks it friday, it took me till today when my sister was like she didnt say free fry friday she said free fry day.. Turns out im the idiot.

Worked out so much today i thought my head was going to fall off

and can i just state my love and obsession with

'SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE'

have a beautiful thursday.

3 words... [DR] [A] [MA]

DRAMA! my life i run from it.

The drama i mean, not my life, but it seems to just chase me & it obviously has much longer legs than i do because it catches me & then just to add insult to injury it runs me over.

I haven't been able to write any poetry [empty pages..] so.. I'm dealing, because I'm a coper .. [that's not a word but I'm making it one. its the plural of coping in case you were unaware] in my last post i mentioned the huge fire that almost consumed my home, the rattle snake incident, now my 2 year old cousin in the hospital because he ate a blood pressure pill, for a big person, if it bottoms out he dies [he's a "coper" too]. & i went to scout camp today to help, its wonderful chasing boys around ! saying "don't jump off that", "no you cant run with fire", "put the snake down", "why is your hand in there" ?? its a ride for a girl with ONLY sisters.

....have a good laugh......

Holly, is 14 even though she doesn't look it, lets just say she thought she was littler than she was and got stuck in that 2 year old swing, we pulled she didn't budge, in the midst of tears, we dumped her upside down i was laying on my belly in the sand wiggling her out, & to top it off i hate being a woman, if you can call me one! I'm still technically a "young woman" if you were thinking i was a man by that metaphor.. no.

& i really just need chocolate right now!  don't want it... need it!! 

anyone else feel the same??

~have a great day~

they rub dead animals on their faces...and play poke your neighbor.

and Holly.... you get it...

TOO many close calls with DEATH..

[A bit of an exaggeration but I'm a drama queen, always have been always will be, so lets just leave it at that.]

Thursday morning, went on a hike up to Timp caves, but didn't actually go inside, on the way down with my aunt Janelle & my little cousin Anne, my spectacular mommy dearest warned us about a rattlesnake by #6, so with that knowledge we continued to skip merrily down Timp, literally (we are precocious and proud of it!) about 20 minutes pass & believe it or not we completely forgot about this snake, we stumble upon a rattle going 100 mph & a serpent claiming his territory on the trail, i of course i (being the so called drama queen) scream, cant even find what words to say, frantically pointing & eventually i am able to stammer out SNAKE! Anne & Janelle don't see it in the chaos but with my scream in my mind they automatically start jumping, but because they cannot see the snake they jump towards it, so what do i do ? scream louder of course, Janelle in all this panic manages to get her sunglasses off which then opens her eyes to the rattle snake between her legs, up she goes towards me & Anne attempts to run & gets hit by the snake on her tennis shoe, luckily, long story short.. ever tried to walk down a mountain with your legs trembling so hard its like an earthquake? wouldn't recommend it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FIRE

So basically.. these pictures explain themselves, but the only thing i really can say is in the midst of my emotional break down packing journals pictures & important documents, it really made me realize what was important to me, what could have been replaced, & what meant the most.

[my front lawn to the left,]

[close up, fire coming over our ridge]

[my neighbors backyard]

[neighbors backyard above]

[below my backyard]

[my backyard]

you can see how far this fire came and how it ever so quickly got closer to my house! we were evacuated but as you can tell NOBODY left and we all worked to dig trenches, water down our homes, and yards, and get every ones animals out since everyone on this street alone, all own horses, dogs, and everything else. It was put out, eventually, and all my cousins were still in town from out family reunion so they came to help too, they know how it goes, their homes were in the Sandiego California fires a couple years ago.

and now we have this beautiful little charred mountain behind us [:

we sat on the fence at one point and thought, dang wheres our hot dog roasters?

 ~

thanks to all those who helped us work together and thank god literally, he answered every ones prayers.

[:[:

Familia Reuniono..

Ok so i know familia is Italian.
I think,
and i also know that even though we all believe that if you add and "O" to the end of something,
 it makes it Spanish, it doesn't,
but i wont tell myself that.
so that's where the Reuniono comes from.
This week was the event i look forward too for the whole summer ! I have been waiting for this day forever !! OK not really i was completely oblivious to the fact that we had a family reunion but i was SO excited because i have the most absolute amazing family in the most entire world.. excuse that grammar because i know it was completely ridiculously wrong! I had the most fun i have had all summer just being with them! we camped at this wonderful little spot completely covered in grass with its own little murky lake. minus the dead fish and algae water i inhaled during our boat tipping experience and "king of the hill" (which by the way I'm still waiting to come down with some sickening disease because i engorged so much of it) we all had a blast ! boating, floating, tipping, tripping, zip lines, watermelon, massive slip in slides (who's main objective was to give massive wedgies),

 staying up late talking and giggling, wishing i was musically efficient (with guitar) since everyone sits around and plays BUT ME..watching family videos from the 1800s all the way up to the present, turning BRIGHT RED watching the nerdy CHUBBY kid i was in 2004 ( how embarrassing), lets not go back to that . another thing i love is that there is so many of us that there is no possible way  to know every ones names or how were all related but everyone just says they love you and you know their your cousin, all in all it was a splendid and wonderful vacation and i miss them already..

(us making the "train tradition" on the water slide)

its really amazing how you can think you know someone your whole life and then one day you realize you truly love them so much you would do anything for them and do anything to be with them forever, you look into their eyes and you can see their soul and they are so beautiful. and you don't understand why you always took that for granted.. i think now that I'm an "adult" practically .. i am starting to see things and people from and adult point of view.. a few people i caught up with and saw in a whole new amazing light were:
 Elyse, talking with her, she is so gorgeous and full of life,
 Janelle, someone i aspire to be like she has so much wisdom and the light she gives off is incredible.
Kimmy, always been one of my closest cousins and best buds, but never fails to make me laugh,
 Debbie, although wasn't at this reunion, she has always been someone who i looked up to, i hope one day she will love me like she did once,
Jackie, is so determined and respectful, its something I'm working on being,
Brent & Scott, so spiritually strong and loving, i know what i want in my husband when i watch the example they set (Scott is leaving for his mission to Texas in September).
Michelle, so much fun and always has been but i love that she kisses me all the time when i see her, and gave birth to my favorite little Chelsie[: and my Gramma, she stands up for me and always knows what to say and how to say it, i want her faith and to be a spitting image of her (although she isn't 1/4 black nor am i 100% white, except when i dance..., and i am much taller than her, i still want to be at least just like her, she has the most amazing testimony and i just don't have words for her she is too amazing).

 Their is so much more family i can write about, and so much more i have in my heart for these whom i have written about , but I'm so grateful for my crazy wonderful, obnoxious, loving, & accepting family ! they make me feel spiritual because they all are and i can just be my self and be loved for it. I'm so lucky, but i wont brag too much or someone might try to steal them.. or people just wouldn't understand ha. I had a wonderful week!! love my familia.

funny story: Holly is 14 and we have grown up so close our whole lives and she found out on Monday i was part black, she was like Taylor i had no idea, i was like what did you just think i was always really tan ? and she was like ... well .... yeah.

don't look too close or you may see some cracks. talk about water wedgies !

and of course you can always tell which one is me because my wonderful hair everyone is dying to have but they have no idea how much of a nightmare it really is.

and that just about wraps the Jespersen family reunion 2010.