Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Summer ...[june]

Summer, Summer, Summer,
off to a great start, but also half way through...
playing with Chelsie,
getting tanner[:
4wheeler rides,
finding my true inner nerd,
gaigey eating ice cream in the grass & his doo rag
hot tub every night,
hang in out with my sister.
late night runs,
stay up till 2 am,
sleep till 8  
                         [we him told it was "cool"]                                  
reading blogs,
naps in the sun,
love love love movies,
fresh juice,
writing poems,
belly roll videos, [don't ask]
spiritual enlightenment (always a good thing)
sod parties , every ones favorite
hiking in the mountains
taking TONS of pictures !
& lastly my finger nails are so chewed down there like bleeding nubs..
this is definitely not in my future [: hahah
whats your summer consisting of?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

[Empty Pages..] laughter..

Laughter, silence, the soft hum of the eager voices, awake, its late,
laughter, yet again the beautiful sound of peace and joy, true authentic wholeness, love, friendship, laughter, the wind whistles throughout the trees, the leaves rustling amongst each other, laughter, all is quiet, laughter, serenity, peace, innocence, hope, gratuity, hoping to be as innocent and naive as i once was, as they are, Laughter do continue , fulfill my soul..

[i love the innocence and energy a group of girls brings to each other, the love the caring, the naive spirits, laughter in every word that leaves the lips its beautiful.]
:. loving this song, listen to all of it if you get the chance.:

Sunday, June 20, 2010

[Empty Pages..] letter to Jesus..

Jesus, please.. tell me who I'm supposed to be,
I'm not understanding who i am,, or what god wants me for me, About you, i hear so many things , why is it some make me fear you & your being,
I know of your love and nurturing spirit, What comforts me is knowing your my brother, & your there to hear it.There to hear my needs and my desires, you bring peace to my life, even when my soul slowly tires.
I NEED you god, I'm falling apart! my life's just beginning yet i don't know where to start, you comfort me in my times of treacherous need, I don't feel worthy of the promises you keep, I try so hard but life just seems to knock me down, It makes me feel weak, &like i have no one around. No one around to pick me up, to say they LOVE me or help get me unstuck. I have messed up time and time again, yet for some reason you haven't failed to continually reach out and grasp my hand. You hold me so tightly, yet your not even mortal, how come i cant seem to find that portal, The portal that will take me instantly to you. Its because i am not deserving of the things that you do. Beliefs of god are so construed some make you fear him & some are crude, some teach you he is harsh and unforgiving, yet some show his merciful spirit and wants us to continue living.
I'm confused now on what to believe, I'm trying to be strong and pushing to see what he has in store for me. Times are hard the end is near, now is when we need understand what we hold so dear.

My god, my lord, my father in heaven,
His voice, its strained, the peace he once had is no longer with him, beads of sweat coming from his skin, his hair matted with dirt, and not one of these was even his sin. His muscles so tense, the blood so dense, Jesus, I'm so very sorry, please, don’t suffer because of me , I didn’t understand then but now I see. I let you down, I caused this suffering, but I know now, ill try again, Ill try to do better I owe it to him,
Please forgive me, for i know I've done wrong, i cry to you nightly, i know Its so far gone, the trust you had in me its diminished you see, so upset how I broke my PROMISE to thee, lord i am so ashamed.. I've poured my heart out to you, though you already knew and understood. I'm alone and feel covered by a large ghastly hood, I'm afraid, so afraid, that when you come to me you'll say, 'you didn't live your life to fullest You let me down, you were foolish, you did NOT show me who i KNOW you can be, you Messed up Taylor and now you see, i cant bring you into my kingdom for i know you don't Deserve it and for that you must go its your burden to work with.'
I need Christ here, i need him here with me,
I'm shouting to you lord, begging please just help me ! i scream i need help, from a friend or Christ, anyone, Please listen and give me advice, i cant be rejected from the kingdom of heaven, its My deepest fear I'm your daughter and i NEED to see you again. I have two fathers waiting for me, one i have been longing for 6 years to see, & the other since the day i came to earth, the morning my kind mother so unselfishly gave birth. I know I'm here to be tested and tried, but what if in this small earth life I've ruined my chances to be by your side. I need your guidance your inspiration, I have to believe I'm in a good situation, i need you lord, make me be like thee. Open my eyes so i can see. i want to see what you need of me, i want to do what you have asked of me.
So i surrender to you now lord and Jesus Christ, make my soul definite and suffice, i will be courageous, adequate and strong i want to be dependable for you, as you have done for me for so long.

[My letter to Jesus, kinda,it wasn't meant to be a poem, it just kinda turned into one, its deep and emotional for me, i didn't know if i should have posted it but its my blog, and so i decided too, its kinda dark, but its just something i felt about a week ago, i don't know if its insightful to anyone but me but it sure made me open my eyes a little.]

Friday, June 18, 2010

chelsiekins, a little big hero

Obviously she cant read this, 
but i want Chelsie and everyone else to know how much i love her
 i love days you go to the mall with me, when we wear matching colors, the times when i come get you when I'm sad or having a bad day because i know you will never fail to make me laugh and smile, i love your fat rolls and your toothy grin, i love your laugh and how ridiculously contagious it is.
I love the days when i used to dread going to work so i would just stop by to hold you because you made it not so bad.
 i love the naps we take, and the games we play, except 'uh oh' i don't love that game, i love the way you rub my arm when your trying to fall asleep, i love how I'm the ONLY person you'll go to beside your mom,
i love your little scar above your eyebrow from your poor little stitches, 
i love the nights you spend with me
 even when you, cry at four in the morning,
so i put you in my bed, then you stay up and talk to me for two hours with the same syllable word, 'eh' so i respond 'uh' and that goes on till I'm so exhausted i just cant amuse you anymore, 
finally we fall asleep and you without a doubt slowly take over my whole bed,
 pushing me off even though your only a foot tall and about a foot wide [;
 i wake up in the morning with a kinked neck because my head was hanging off the bed for 4 hours,
 just to make sure you were comfortable wherever you rolled,
princess Chelsie, you got me through one of the hardest things in my life, you never asked questions like everyone else you just continually loved me and made me know that SOMEONE cared and that's all i needed.
For a little girl who has only been alive for a year and three days, you sure have done alot of amazing things in your life, and your one of my biggest heroes, your the reason i want children and if i could have them all be like you i would have 200 of them, i love you with all my heart and more chelsiekins, I'm so excited for you to grow up, i know you'll accomplish so much in life and you will inspire so many people, you are such a beautiful and pure innocent spirit but don't grow up too fast. all my love taytay,

Friday, June 11, 2010

Storms, Youth Comference,& summer

 (My favorite picture i have taken this week, its to the right of my house, during a lightning storm, i was trying to catch the lightning, i almost did, but i was like .6 second away ha[;)

ACT tomorrow not excited,,
so sick to my stummy ,
since in all reality that's what people say when they mix up stomach and tummy..
Youth Conference, guess i proved my self wrong,
It was amazing !!
have something to share with you ,, kinda personal,,
I'm so tired, so is everyone else on the planet,
my hands asleep not fun,
on the bright side,
i love all the girls like my little sisters,
Jazmine, Madison, Lauren & Ashley, Maddie & Jordi (true sisters)
love you[:
SUMMER so far not so bad,
Enjoying the sun shine so much, and the rain storms that occasionally come my way.
Date tonight[: love dates,
& taking as many pictures as possible,
not mention MR MACY love him to death, havent seen him in 1 year, a true role model, he shows he cares 100%, he is such an amazing man, known him since 9th grade and he changed my life the day i met him,
have a wonderful weekend
Good night[:
took this one too [: behind my houes, right before that rain storm.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Fear God?

- I do not believe we should fear god, i know i have been told that the spirit does not frighten you it comforts you, it does not make you scared it motivates you,
So why is it that I'm told that we should fear god,
Why is it that they have said it doesn't matter whats in your heart if you have not repented you cannot be forgiven
What about all the other people in the entire world that don't even know what repentance is?
I believe if we are honest good people we CAN make mistakes, unlike those who have told me we cant, no one on earth is perfect and that's the reason Jesus died for us so that we CAN go to live in heaven again.
[One of my Favorite Quotes]
~ God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe he doesn't care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten, Though we are incomplete God loves us Completely.. Though we are imperfect, God loves us Perfectly, Though we may feel lost and without compass, Gods love Encompasses us Completely.~

Youth Conference -
is what has brought up all these questions, hopefully its fun and we don't all fear Jesus by the end of it, but these are the things that i usually dread going to, but then end up having the best time ever,and my testimony grows because of it, have a wonderful week/weekend.

Monday, June 7, 2010

[Empty Pages..] You..

Don’t talk to me.. were done, over & through!
you pretend to care all the sudden. No, that's just not you,
Its wrong! You ruined everything, its all your fault! yet you try to pretend everything is all 'chill' and what not. No I'm over you ,What we had ! what we've been through, apparently it just wasn't enough for you..
I don’t think it was really love because you can’t destroy something that tough. I guess You fell for it,, sucks for you...
 ...but don’t feel bad,, I fooled my self too
Pick me up when I'm at my lowest,make me feel good
& pretend to be the one who 'knows it'.But when i start becoming MY self again , standing on my own two feet,
starting to raise a hand...
you knock me back down to ground once again. You realized was insecure,,
but I've grown, so now I'm not that child anymore,, Your still that way,, small , immature, so you push me hard just to make sure, Ill stay in your power and I'm never secure! You talk me down just so you can feel safe,,
but real friends don’t work that way, Your fat, your ugly, you'll never get anything,
 friendship these days... means nothing to anybody. Behind my back, or too my face, Treating people like that.. you’re the disgrace.
Actually..in case you forgot.
That's NOT what true friends are all about.
They stand behind you, have your back, lift you up,
& support your values,, the way that you act..
So take off the mask.. all of you ! quick being fake! why cant we all just be honest & get  a clue?... Because that... right there... is what makes a person true,, its YOUR character ,, what you stand for, and that’s exactly whatI'M going to do.