[Empty Pages..] letter to Jesus..

Jesus, please.. tell me who I'm supposed to be,
I'm not understanding who i am,, or what god wants me for me, About you, i hear so many things , why is it some make me fear you & your being,
I know of your love and nurturing spirit, What comforts me is knowing your my brother, & your there to hear it.There to hear my needs and my desires, you bring peace to my life, even when my soul slowly tires.
I NEED you god, I'm falling apart! my life's just beginning yet i don't know where to start, you comfort me in my times of treacherous need, I don't feel worthy of the promises you keep, I try so hard but life just seems to knock me down, It makes me feel weak, &like i have no one around. No one around to pick me up, to say they LOVE me or help get me unstuck. I have messed up time and time again, yet for some reason you haven't failed to continually reach out and grasp my hand. You hold me so tightly, yet your not even mortal, how come i cant seem to find that portal, The portal that will take me instantly to you. Its because i am not deserving of the things that you do. Beliefs of god are so construed some make you fear him & some are crude, some teach you he is harsh and unforgiving, yet some show his merciful spirit and wants us to continue living.
I'm confused now on what to believe, I'm trying to be strong and pushing to see what he has in store for me. Times are hard the end is near, now is when we need understand what we hold so dear.

My god, my lord, my father in heaven,
His voice, its strained, the peace he once had is no longer with him, beads of sweat coming from his skin, his hair matted with dirt, and not one of these was even his sin. His muscles so tense, the blood so dense, Jesus, I'm so very sorry, please, don’t suffer because of me , I didn’t understand then but now I see. I let you down, I caused this suffering, but I know now, ill try again, Ill try to do better I owe it to him,
Please forgive me, for i know I've done wrong, i cry to you nightly, i know Its so far gone, the trust you had in me its diminished you see, so upset how I broke my PROMISE to thee, lord i am so ashamed.. I've poured my heart out to you, though you already knew and understood. I'm alone and feel covered by a large ghastly hood, I'm afraid, so afraid, that when you come to me you'll say, 'you didn't live your life to fullest You let me down, you were foolish, you did NOT show me who i KNOW you can be, you Messed up Taylor and now you see, i cant bring you into my kingdom for i know you don't Deserve it and for that you must go its your burden to work with.'
I need Christ here, i need him here with me,
I'm shouting to you lord, begging please just help me ! i scream i need help, from a friend or Christ, anyone, Please listen and give me advice, i cant be rejected from the kingdom of heaven, its My deepest fear I'm your daughter and i NEED to see you again. I have two fathers waiting for me, one i have been longing for 6 years to see, & the other since the day i came to earth, the morning my kind mother so unselfishly gave birth. I know I'm here to be tested and tried, but what if in this small earth life I've ruined my chances to be by your side. I need your guidance your inspiration, I have to believe I'm in a good situation, i need you lord, make me be like thee. Open my eyes so i can see. i want to see what you need of me, i want to do what you have asked of me.
So i surrender to you now lord and Jesus Christ, make my soul definite and suffice, i will be courageous, adequate and strong i want to be dependable for you, as you have done for me for so long.

[My letter to Jesus, kinda,it wasn't meant to be a poem, it just kinda turned into one, its deep and emotional for me, i didn't know if i should have posted it but its my blog, and so i decided too, its kinda dark, but its just something i felt about a week ago, i don't know if its insightful to anyone but me but it sure made me open my eyes a little.]